“This is the way I am; I can’t help the way things come out!”
Said the young man coming from a broken, lost childhood. Very little structure, a dad and mom who were preoccupied with their own lives so they had little time for him.
Mind you, he was paying for it because those angry blow ups have cost him time being incarcerated.
The funny thing is, a lot of people refuse to take responsibility for the pent up anger that sits just underneath the surface until the moment arrives that they just let loose.
And yes, the foundation of our lives has a lot to do with where we find ourselves but at some point, we must not only take ownership for our behaviors but look to solutions.
Here are a few things worth looking at when it comes to that “dirty little dance” of anger.
Quick To Take Up Offenses
I am amazed at how some people are so quick to hop on the offense bandwagon. (Not one I’d recommend getting on)
Whether they’ve had a problem with someone or they are taking up the “cause” for someone else, it is my experience that the one who takes up offense has a hard time putting offense down.
It sometimes appears to be a badge of honor but in many respects, people either tolerate for a time the behavior or at a certain point say, “That’s enough” and either blow back or set that relational connection aside.
Besides, why invest in such a misery heavy way of life and for what?
Many times to be right or maybe it’s to be able to blow some heat in a direction because that person is lacking on the inside.
I’ve seen it where those involved in dispute have solved their problem only for the offense minded person who chose a side to try and keep the “Mad as all get out” wheel going; even when the situation is pretty much dead.
A Family History Of Angry People
It’s scary to see adults who have some serious anger issues that affect their families, their work, other relationships and when the peel back of their early beginnings happen, it becomes clear that the type of anger that they exhibit started from inside their house.
Whether it was one or both parents, the dynamic of one dominating personality that was in effect an aggressive, bullying, angry adult who took their uncontrollable rage and behavior out on the other spouse and sometimes, the kids, well that behavior then became a learned trait.
And what’s sad is that a former generation in a negative way has dripped their issues into their children which then drips into their destiny and way of doing life when it could have been another life hand off.
How many fractures in life has occurred because people have absorbed the anger habits and customs of their parents?
We’ve got to figure out how to be different if this description comes close to what we deal with in our day in day out lives.
Squabble About Everything
Being a former political science student, we learned how to get in and out of debates, how to turn an opponents words against them, to push them to the brink of anger, frustration, giving up etc.
The problem is that angry people take that same recipe and in many instances, want to dominate somebody else.
It could be family, colleagues, to be seen as the smartest one in the room, use the combative measure to try and keep everyone at bay when it is clear that the person is in the wrong.
But if we “go off” and lose it, there is the idea that we can keep people at arm’s length so it kind of covers the warts we have.
But who is fooling who? The combative and argumentative person is talked about quite a bit in Scripture.
In fact, this type of combative, argumentative posture is called a fruitless exercise and only leads to more trouble.
So, sometimes, I’ve found when I have encountered this type of combative behavior, I’ve taken a pass because it does no one any good.
There’s more important things to do and sadly, instead of having a quality experience with someone who exhibits this type of behavior, it will be what could have been…
So, we could spend more time on the negative attributes of anger but here are a few simple things that we can put to good use in the battle to tame the “dirty little dance of anger”..
Timeouts Aren’t Just For Little Johnny
I remember the first time I heard about time outs (they didn’t use the term back then), it was because I would get angry over little things and it wasn’t healthy.
I learned over time how to play tennis and love it but originally, it was a way to release the anger and rage I would feel when someone would bother, hurt, harass me.
The greater lessons I learned along the way was to be able to get away from situations that could cause me to blow up and regroup before something would happen that I would regret.
Many times, words, especially words are said in anger and in so many cases, it’s hard to walk those words back.
So, it’s actually strength to take a few moments to regroup, reset the feet so to speak so we do not create a crater of a mess because we didn’t enforce a timeout on ourselves.
Look For Solutions
This doesn’t need a lot of words; just some good old fashioned action so here are a couple of things to digest.
Instead of focusing on what made us mad, we need to work on resolving the issue at hand. Sometimes, figuring out how to resolve something thins out the discontent and angry position we may stake out.
As much as we may try to coerce ourselves into thinking that being angry feels good and it might for a quick minute, we must remind ourselves that at the end of the day, anger won't fix most anything and might only make life, friendships, relationships, our livelihood worse than how we found it.
It May Be Time To Seek Help
Learning to control anger is a challenge for everyone at times.
It is actually a strength and a move in the right direction to recognize that we may need some help outside of ourselves to help us deal with anger that seems to heat up too much, too fast, too frequent.
Better to seek help for anger issues if our anger seems to be constantly on the brink of being out of control, and it causes us to do things we could regret or hurt those around us.
This hits a strong chord in me because I have witnessed the devastation of anger and the carnage it has laid out in the countless students I`ve counseled, the friends who have seen friendships go by the wayside, workplaces jarred and frayed by angry employers and employees, marriages and relationships severed forever because of the dirty little dance that angers grips people in.
I`ve seen it in me and am thankful for the help I received when I was young so that anger wouldn`t devastate me when I got older.
So it`s really about taking a Chance by making a Choice to be different so that a Change could come for good!
There are better songs to dance to than anger so let`s groove to better sounds, better vibes, better attitudes because it really matters!
To better days!!!
Dave
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