So we had some interesting feedback to our Catalyst Change post last week regarding complaining.
Complaining does the one delivering and the one(s) on the receiving little good except bring trouble most times.
And that brings us to Catalyst Change #2 which is Criticism.
If complaining is like sludge/mud/muck to a person’s mind, spirit and soul, criticism is like the add on that creates increased angst/trouble/torment to others.
Being in the education field, having been a minister, as well as being a hockey referee, I have seen how criticism can easily be thrown about.
I know as a referee, it is amazing how players feel empowered to say whatever comes out of their mouths when they feel as though they have been slighted or something was missed.
There was a famous run in with an NHL coach and referee years ago when the coach, after the game went after the referee and told him to keep eating those doughnuts.
The reference being that the referee was slow and overweight because he ate too many doughnuts. Whether true or not, that comment went viral.
The interesting thing is, this past fall, I had a player actually say the same thing to me at a face off. I had to ask him if he was seriously saying that…. He did back off but the damage was done.. not to me but my respect for this player.
He did back off but the damage was done.. not to me but my respect for this player.
Besides the fact that criticism can hurt and damage the psyche of the one the criticism is being leveled at, respect for the one who is a habitual criticizer can begin to be lost… and all because they couldn’t hold their tongue.
I believe we dramatically underestimate the power of negative words, especially when it comes to criticism. The Bible is quite clear about the power of these words, showing how they are devastating to the spirit of a person.
Does anyone choose to be a critical person? I don't know the answer to that but "Most" critical people never relax and enjoy much. Always on the lookout to find fault for whatever is happening around at any given moment. They look for the worst and miss the best. What's more, most critical people makes those around them miserable.
They look for the worst and miss the best. What's more, most critical people makes those around them miserable.
Who wants to be around a faultfinder, the one who is critical about everything?
Everyone has blind spots of some kind in their life: The blind spot of the persistent, critical view of life is that person responds the same way when presented with opportunity, problem, challenge, or new relationship.
The response is quick, negative and their view is about all that can go wrong.
It is like second nature to criticize and find the faults; almost as effortless as breathing.
It reminds me of a situation some time ago when we were part of a plan to expand the operations of the organization I was a part of.
We had brought in some specialists and highly regarded experts to help us formulate an expansion plan.
After the presentation, one of the executives who had a vote in the proceedings got up and said emphatically, “It will not work here”.
The air was sucked out of the room and the plan ultimately failed and over time, the organization lost its appeal and later closed shop.
And did anyone not think that those negative words had something to do with the demise of a once proud workplace?
How does someone become a critical person?
For many, difficult life experiences as a child or young adult can easily put us in the role of victim. Feeling sorry for ourselves, we can feel like we’re the bad luck one, and it becomes a learned habit and we sink into the only role where we think we can get ahead of others: the critic.
No one is immune to the critic’s shots: authority figures, family, friends, co-workers, places of business, sports figures and teams and sometimes, the critical one is unrelenting. It’s like it never stops.
I worked with a man in my early working years in a department store. This guy was the king of critics. Everything and everybody was fair game all the time. I used to go to lunch with him but after a while. I couldn’t hack it any longer.
A few months later, he met me in the hall and asked why I hadn’t been in the lunch room for a while. And I said as nice as I could that he was not a lot of fun to be around and he seemed to want only to bellow about all the wrongs in the world.
He said that I needed to be like him and that I was missing out on life. You could guess that I never had lunch in the staff room at noon again because well…. You get the point…
The first step to change when it comes to criticism is in recognizing that being critical and judgmental completely misses the mark of what we could become as a fully functional, positive contributing member of society.
It is a humbling act to admit that we are off when we are highly critical but admission of being in error is the first step on the road to becoming free of being a criticizer.
How could we ever be a unifier, a builder with and of people if we are constant complainers?
Criticism is destroyer of unity. It creates division in our connections with our families, friends, working relationships, communities, churches etc.
And let's not play the game of having all sorts of critical thoughts that are burning on the inside, especially in regards to someone.. Because, even though we may not say anything, that pent up frustration does begin to come out in our countenance, our non-verbal behaviors etc.
Ever had those, “We don't know what's wrong, but something just doesn't feel right” feelings? Because what’s inside of us does come out even if we’re not talking.
So we said that the first thing that we need to consider doing to get ourselves on the right tracks where criticism is concerned is to “Admit” that we err when it comes to being a criticizer.
Criticism often hinders honesty and authenticity and really, I don’t think anyone wants that.
So 2 ideas to consider, to catalyst change where criticism rears itself. Motivational Monday will have some more tips and ideas to help us on the road to change but for today, here are 2 ideas to get us going.
Someone suggested that constructive criticism is a good thing. Save the fact that the meaning suggests that we are helping to improve, promoting further advancement; the word "constructive" comes from a Greek derivative and further means to strengthen, commend, to stand near.
Many times, constructive criticism rarely looks like this so I have been working hard to remove using those to 2 words together from my lexicon. I think we would do well to be encouragers and it's not just a case of semantics.
1. If We have Concerns for others, When And If We Speak, We Speak To Encourage
We, I many times forget that the messaging of most types should be of the encouraging kind. How many times has a right message come in the wrong way and what could have been a positive exchange lies on the heap of coulda/shoulda’s?
In Greek, the word paraklēsis, means to exhort. We commonly understand the meanings to be to urge, inspire, to lift or encourage.
I talked about hockey and refereeing earlier and the referee in the league I play in, well to be frank seems to just come and collect a pay cheque.
I’ve realized lately that I needed to stop my criticizing in my mind during a game (because what’s in the mind, generally at some point comes out of the mouth) and become proactive so I called the president of the league to suggest some ideas to help this particular referee so I “Don’t be part of the problem”.
To exhort (encourage) is supposed to be a heartfelt expression to encourage, inspire, and motivate in a positive manner. If we can't do it that way, then perhaps what we really need to do is simply be silent.
2. We May Just Need To Be Silent
Fasting words is teaching me that one of the most effective ways to handle my thoughts of criticism is to be silent.
There is the old adage/saying that if we have nothing good to say, then be quiet or don’t say it.
A good question to ask is, "Are these words really beneficial? Will they improve anything?"
There is a great freedom when we can get a grip on our tongue and speech from criticizing and judging; it says that not only are we aware of what should come out of us but we gain a measure of control because ultimately, we are responsible for what we say.
So, on the road to being a Catalyst for Change, how we speak and what comes out of us greatly determines our influence.
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