The man or woman who does not forgive is probably the same one who has not stopped, paused and looked into the mirror to recognize that the person looking back at them have been forgiven much or will need forgiveness?
This past 18 months has created some bitter and hard feelings.... I wonder if there will come a time when people will be able to forgive family, friends, colleagues etc. for the harsh words, condemnation, shaming, cancelling, derogatory words that have come out of people's mouths, pen on paper, fingers on keys etc.
It seems as though with the isolation and distancing that has occurred in many people's lives over the past period of time, there has been this propensity for people to become emboldened to become more aggressive to the point of being offensive in remarks and attitude. One would hope in most cases, because of the isolation, we would want to be kinder and more loving but in many cases, it appears to be the opposite.
It's as if there is a new predatory nature that seems to be wrapped up in people's attempt to be more protectionist and territorial..... Still, how we respond to hurt, frustration with people's actions, demeanor still matters.
Forward Friday challenges us to consider where we stand when it comes to the area of forgiveness. Because if we were honest, there's enough stuff in our corner that we've either needed forgiveness for or the things we will say and do in the future that needs forgiveness?
Let's Get Into This: A colleague at a certain point in the day this week commented about how sick they were of another colleague. When the root of the angst showed up in the conversation, it was over a seemingly petty thing but, it was evident that forgiveness at this point wasn’t an option. Funny thing, if we could count the number of the issues caused by this person well, the list would be long. What about when some terrible incident occurs where an action, harsh words, a behavior happens and it leaves us spinning in a lurch?
I can tell you that in the past 2 years, I have had 5 friends who have seen their marriage disintegrate because of the carelessness of the one who was intent on breaking what was…..
2 of my precious friends are still standing and part of the reason they are still upright, even though a little wobbly is in part because they keep choosing to forgive.
In fact, new life has come out of hurtful places due in part to not allowing the hardness of unforgiveness grip their heart, soul and mind.
Now some might say, “What, be a doormat?” Hardly. In fact, choosing to forgive is powerful and gives strength even when someone has tried to rip us to the very core.
It's been said that the one who forgives is actually powerful because it's much easier to hold anger, bitterness, rage etc but it doesn't get us far in the end. We need to consider the healing we ourselves need from the inside out and much of it starts with forgiveness... When we've been hurt.
It’s interesting; many times, the one who will “Not” forgive has allowed themselves to be open to negative thinking, processes, emotions, behaviors that tend to swallow them up and they become a prisoner of their own making.
Speaking from personal experience, there was a time where someone had hurt me deeply. The kind of pain that just rips and gnaws at the inner man to the point of being in a perpetual state of misery. I usually love the summer but that summer, well, nothing much great was going on that got me jazzed. So the summer is almost over and I get a crazy case of kidney stones and landed in the hospital for 10 plus days.
It was one afternoon looking out the window that it occurred to me that being angry and upset with this person cost me a wasted 5 months of being miserable.
Did what they do cause hurt and embarrassment that took some time to get over? Yes, that was true but to be upset to the point that the inside of me, where the real Dave lived was becoming hard and rough was a hard pill to swallow. The end of the story was that a few months later, I was able to actually ask for forgiveness for holding such a grudge and had determined that even if there was not a “I’m sorry” coming my way, I was still going to do my part to get myself right with me. Thankfully for that person’s own sake and well being, they did the same and that night when I put my head on the pillow, it was probably the first time in many months where I went to sleep with my mind not conflicted. While it is true that most who hold grudges and their hard and harsh spirits effect those around them, in effect they are losing out on life and they tend to be generally miserable.
And sometimes, what the one who harbors an unforgiving spirit is upset about is not worth the time and effort it takes to be mad all the time about said issue.
So to be clear; there are some things that can happen or have happened to us that are horrible and sometimes beyond words.
There are some who have lost my trust and while I have forgiven them, I have chosen to be wise in further contact and how that looks. Trust lost must be earned back and in many cases, we must guard our hearts, minds and spirits because some people may not be able to help themselves from the things they do so we must be wise in our associations moving forward.
That said, an unforgiving heart and spirit causes us to become cold and many times without even realizing that it’s crept into our system of thinking, action and way of life.
The Bible talks about forgiveness in many manners.
Here are just a couple.
We should forgive the grievances/gripes/objections/complaints/grumbles/ accusations we have against one another because if we asked God to forgive us, He would.
If we would confess/admit our wrongdoing to God, He would remove them from us as far as the east is from the west. (That’s a great deal)
For when we are proud: If we stand praying, or we plan on giving an offering or doing something good but we are holding anything against someone, forgive them so we can be forgiven. (Hmmmmm, that’s not a light, fluffy suggestion)
Forgiving is love’s revolt against love’s injustice. It’s crazy but when we actually forgive, we are ignoring the normal way of life that buckle us to the natural thought progression of getting even, extracting our pound of flesh.
By the makeover of love, we are also helping to release ourselves from our own painful pasts. And when we use the word forgive, it’s not just a word; we are taking powerful action that is put into practice; it’s not just talk.
We are beginning a journey of getting away from the pay back mentality in order to walk into a new future out of the past’s unfairness.
We are starting the process of freeing and loosing ourselves from the wrong that is locked into our private histories.
The great thing about forgiveness is that we break the chains and shackles off our spirits of malice and sometimes, by the simple yet powerful act of forgiveness, we could even create the environment to restore a relationship that could have been lost. A restored relationship may not happen but when we forgive, there is a spiritual, emotional and physiological cleansing that comes with freeing ourselves from an unforgiving heart.
Sitting in my therapist’s office years ago after a crushing hurt and disappointment, he said, “as much as you have the right to be angry, upset, frustrated etc, you will do yourself much harm and pain if you allow these feelings to become you”.
“You do not have to trust them ever again but you do have to forgive them…. For your sake”.
Wise words that have helped me then and now.
What about us?
What about the here and now? We may be facing moments from this period of time regarding forgiveness and we will have to decide how and what we'll do.... Things to think about this weekend!
Forgiven much; forgives much!!!
Dave
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