As I’ve been thinking more about forgiveness and mercy, it occurred to me that it is an exercise (the action to forgive/show mercy) that happens more often than we think or in the reverse, less often than we would admit.
From the family moments to work related to the normal every day occurrences because we just don’t live in a vacuum; we intersect with people all the time and because of the multitude of intersects, invariably at some point, either we are going to be receiving forgiveness or having to forgive.
One evening at a conference a few years ago where I was a speaker, a young man came up to me after sharing my story of healing from the past.
He said that he just couldn’t forgive his dad for cheating on his mom for many years and in effect, he felt like his dad cheated on his brothers and sisters as well.
He said it was like a hole had been created in the family unit and nothing could fill it now. He was angry, frustrated and extremely sad as his dad’s behavior devastated his entire family and friendship circle.
He said it was like a hole had been created in the family unit and nothing could fill it now. He was angry, frustrated and extremely sad as his dad’s behavior devastated his entire family and friendship circle.
Part of the reason that made it more painful was that his family was a high profile family in their community and it was hard not to think that when people encountered them, they had a picture of a fractured family running through their minds.
My heart hurt as I listened to this young man’s story and the question needs to be asked, how do we handle a hurt that has ripped us to the core and it seems like there is no way we could ever forgive that person(s) for what they’ve done to us?
As I referenced in my mercy blog, after recognizing that part of my torment for years was what someone had done to me as a little boy, immediately my reaction was to forgive that person. There was no hesitation and I believe that was a huge help on the path to inner healing. I don’t have any contact whatsoever with this person but none of that ugliness is on the runway of my life to this day; forgiveness mattered then and it still does now.
Forgiveness mattered then and it still does now.
On the other hand, there was a young woman that I was so sure I was going to marry… that is until we had the talk.. You know the talk that sometimes would go like, “you’re a really nice guy but I think we need some space”. Only to find out that her heart was being led somewhere else. I was so disappointed. Angry was the first few days but this overwhelming disappointment saturated my being that I stewed.. “how could she do this to me” “What is her problem” “My life is not over but its over” and this disappointment raged on for 4 months.
I was miserable and it made my friends miserable because try as they might, I was not the happy go lucky fella they were used to chilling with during that stretch. The breaking point came when I had kidney stones and was in the hospital for 10 days.
Sometimes I believe God will allow some things in our lives at times to get our attention and when you are in hospital with not much to do, reflecting was something I began doing.
Sometimes I believe God will allow some things in our lives at times to get our attention and when you are in hospital with not much to do, reflecting was something I began doing.
For those of us who have had our hearts broken by a lost love, I am in no way minimizing the hurt and pain of it; I went through it a few times but there comes a moment when we have to face the fact that sometimes, it is pride that prevents us from even wanting to forgive the offending person.
Such was my case as I started to soften my stance.
Such was my case as I started to soften my stance.
My disappointment clouded my judgement that may be just because I thought she was the one didn’t mean she was. I recognized that sooner or later, I was going to have to practice what I knew to be true and that I was being offensive in holding this grudge.
Funny, the doctor who treated me during my stay asked me early on, “you seem like you have a lot of tension in your body; it seems that there is more going on than just the acute pain from the stones”. Hmmmm… shots fired..
A few months later at a conference, we agreed to meet for coffee after a session. Before anything could be said, I quickly asked her for forgiveness for holding this grudge, this weight that held me back for such a long time and that I was releasing her from having to feel like she was the “bad guy” for what transpired months earlier. Found out a lot of the burdens and rough road she had been walking through while we had been dating and I could see why the timing previously that I thought was so divine couldn’t have worked. I am happy to say that we are still friends today….
That evening when I went back to my room to sleep, it was the first real good sleep I had had in months.
That evening when I went back to my room to sleep, it was the first real good sleep I had had in months.
Do you ever have any of those, “why did I wait so long?”
Sometimes, forgiveness is not easy but it is so necessary and while some of these helpful reminders are not so much as new, they are about making sure we put “best life practices” into practice.
So some clarity thoughts about forgiveness:
Forgiveness "doesn't mean we agree with what happened, or will have a close relationship with the offender, but it does mean we let it go, forever." If we don't forgive, bitterness has the opportunity to take hold and destroy us.
Forgiveness sets us free.
When we hold resentment toward another, we are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.
Forgive ourselves.
What we think and feel about other people is pretty much what we think and feel about ourselves. This is not something that may always be obvious. But we do tend to judge and think about people as we think about ourselves. A person who, for instance, is very critical of others tends to, deep down, be very critical of him/herself.
Remember to forgive everyone.
It’s often pretty easy to see the obvious people to forgive. People who have done something terrible or someone we don’t get along with.
When we forgive, really forgive.
When we forgive, we have to really forgive. Or we will continue to wreck what we forgave again and again. And ourselves too.
Forgiveness is not a weakness
Weak people can never forgive. Forgiveness is a characteristic of the strong.
With forgiveness, the future may become brighter than in your dreams.
The past isn’t changed because of Forgiveness, but it does enlarge the future.
I believe God has a lot to say about forgiveness and these are but a few verses that continue to help me in my journey…
1. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.
2. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you.
3. You can’t get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God’s part.
It’s not always easy but I know that when I am finding it a little more difficult to forgive someone or something or even me, I take some moments to ask God for His strength to help me forgive so that I can move forward.
It’s not always easy but I know that when I am finding it a little more difficult to forgive someone or something or even me, I take some moments to ask God for His strength to help me forgive so that I can move forward.
Maybe you can too!
Hope this helps make your day run a little smoother.
I’d love to hear back from you. Questions, thoughts etc.…
Dave
#mercy #emotions #storyteller #freedom #forgiveness #hope #blog #newdirection #dogood #movingforward #newlife #breatheagain
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