Millsman
- Jul 22, 2022
- 6 min read

Forward Friday... Friendships That Run Deep.. What Does Yours Look Like Pt#2

Updated: Jul 23, 2022

It’s been said that the one with real, connected friends cannot even imagine where they would be were it not for those handful of friends who bring joy to the heart. Because the truth is, friends make life a lot more fun. Sadly, many cannot say that.

Forward Friday takes a deeper dive into the realm of friendships, looking to expose some qualities and attributes that can help us all become better friends for those we call friend. And no doubt, we attract what we are continually becoming so it makes sense to grow our friendship game.

We attract what we are continually becoming so it makes sense to grow our friendship game.

Let’s Get Into This:

These past 2 ½ years has opened up areas of life that have caused many to struggle. The fear mongering has created a climate where many now walk nervous, “Afraid of the next thing”, alienation and separation fissures have opened up cracks in relationships and relational connections.

Some people, because of the separation of the past 2 plus years have a hard time with anyone having a different view point and because there is little back and forth and the discussion of ideas, thoughts and views in a positive manner, friendships, family connections have been strained, some ruined, destroyed and left in tatters.

Friendship matters but sometimes, people work and walk in forms of friendliness but those relationships do not go very deep.

One person said about their struggle to connect and make meaningful relationships was that, “People can be nice to you, but few if any become your friend.”

“People can be nice to you, but few if any become your friend.”

This pandemic has caused many to, without realizing it to become more inward focused and therefore, reticent to take a chance to make an effort to try to make a connection with the hope of gaining a friend.

Because that means vulnerability, risk, leaving ourselves open to potential hurt, frustration etc. but that’s precisely what it takes to grow true relationships.

Back in the 1950’s, sociologist David Riesman created the term “the lonely crowd,” in part to describe people who live according to common traditions and following like values, but who barely know or like each other.

There was another study done of people’s social connections in 1985 and then in 2004.

People were asked to list their friends in response to the question “Over the last six months, who are the people with whom you discussed matters important to you?”

In 1985, the most common number of friends listed was 3; 59% percent of respondents listed three or more friends fitting this description.

But by 2004, the most common number of friends with whom one would discuss important matters was 0.

And only 37% percent of respondents listed 3 or more friends.

Back in 1985, only 10% percent indicated that they had 0 confidants. In 2004, this number had skyrocketed to 25% percent.

As the researcher said, “1 out of every 4 of us is walking around with no one to share our lives with.”

And that number has acerbated in the past 2 plus years.

What good is it to sing a song, paint a picture, try a new coffee or dessert, learn a new hobby or sport, travel if we don’t have anyone to share it with?

Now before we feel like this is all downer thinking, to find answers to any situation, we need to know what we are dealing with and then get to work on how to find solutions towards health.

We all can benefit from the type of friendships that help make life better for us and those we connect with and become part of our tribe.

Good Listeners Wanted

Most people aren’t good listeners. The inability or disinterest in asking meaningful questions many times indicate an interest in another person is a huge obstacle to making friends.

Listening is key. When someone works at being a good listener, they are looking to find common ground with someone else. It’s impossible to show empathy or celebrate the positive in a person without first hearing from them. And without an awareness of connection, understanding and celebration, friendships just don’t get started.

Listening is not the same as hearing. Many therapists refer to active listening as separate between giving someone our full concentration and just passively "hearing" them.

Good listeners learn and continually learn to develop cues that show they are listening, like making non-threatening eye contact, smiling, maintaining an open posture, emulating (reflecting facial expressions), and eliminating distractions. Oh those distractions.

The Struggle To Be Vulnerable

Connecting is more than just listening, although that’s a great start. Getting close to people, becoming friends, involves something more. It involves vulnerability.

Let’s be honest; people don’t become close by only discussing the weather or the newest potholes (especially if you live in Montreal although, it happens).

Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable helps the other person to begin to trust us, precisely because we are putting ourselves at emotional, psychological, or physical risk.

As we work on becoming more vulnerable, people lean towards reacting by being more open and vulnerable themselves. When two people begin letting down their guard, the groundwork starts to get laid for a closer, personal connection.

The great enemy here is shame. Few things silences us more effectively than shame.

Sadly, many of us feel shame. This could have come from old patterns about needing to appear clean and tidy and always winning in the game of life.

We might have been taught to never show the parts of our lives that are messy, dirty or embarrassing.

I think that might be because in many areas of life, there can be a lot of unwitting promotion of perfectionism, a condition where many people would constantly ask on the inside, “What will they think?”

“The crazy thing is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or more acceptable, but our wholeness — even our wholeheartedness — actually depends on the integration of all of our experiences, including the falls and fails.”

It’s been said, “If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.”

It’s in the courage of vulnerability we find connection with another and then, potentially, friendship with them.

There Is Good Medicine

There is a song that we would sing in church, “What a friend we have in Jesus” and it would always get me thinking that his friendship model, would be the way of how we could befriend others.

There are many examples of how Jesus modeled friendship, but I thought of The Last Supper which has so many nuances to the moment that some nuggets of truth could get lost. Matthew 26:17-29

They Ate And Spent Time Together:

If there is one thing that could help us in the growth of friendships is taking the time to get to know someone and what better way than around a table to eat, having coffee etc.

One of the translations say that Jesus Reclined during the Last Supper; when we're reclining, we're not going anywhere fast so there is a slowing down of the pace when we recline, sit back and spend time with someone.

So while there is the holy act of the first communion and it is a powerful act to commemorate what is to come in Jesus dying for the world, it should not be lost that a most powerful, spiritual event comes out of a relational, intimate gathering of friends around a table.

Friendships take time. A lot of us get frustrated about the time we do or don’t have for friendships. Let’s be honest; friendships don’t grow on trees; they are grown in the length and breadth of time and that speaks to intentionality.

But I think that most of us recognize that most of our close friendships emerge or emerges because we began to purposefully take time to be with that person.

Friendships are often grown in the conversations that occur when we’re spending time together. Hanging out, food moments, trips, shared interests, these occasions help people let their guards down and share more deeply.

The Things I Think: