“Boys!!! This is not the place or the time; deal with this at another moment but here is not that place!” said Dad as my buddy and I got into an argument during a baseball game.
Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed and the next evening, we sat beside each other at the end of a service, settled our problem and from that night on, we never argued or fuzzed like that again and 40 plus years later, we’re still rolling!
I look back on those wisdom moments and am thankful that dad was brave enough and wise enough to help us steer away from losing out on a friendship that has stood the test of time!
Forward Friday Legacy Living Pt #3 looks at the subjects of forgiveness and being a peacemaker and dad was that and so much more. Hubert Mills, the man I call Dad was so wise and adept at helping others in these areas that so many miss out on the blessing of.
In the lead up to Father’s Day 2023, we continue to look at some of the things that made this man so special. And as always, there’s good news medicine at the end!
Let’s Get Into This!
Forward Friday Difference #3: Blessed If You Are A Peacemaker
If there was manual that would describe dad’s peace-making abilities, I think these would be a few of them.
-Being At Peace With Ourselves
-Listening More Than We Talk
-Being Genuinely Interested In People
-Not Being Afraid Of Conflict
-Respond And Not React
I think that Dad’s ability to be a peacemaker was that he was at peace with himself so he wasn’t flustered, especially in the moments where he would be helping people through the peacemaking process.
I remember when he became shop steward at the hospital. One day, I went to visit him as my usual habit of showing up to see what he was up to.
I walked into the office and he had just finished a meeting with 2 staff who had grievances towards each other.
The one man said to me, “Your dad has the Midas touch!” He was able to get them to see that what they were bickering about wasn’t as important as they seemed to think it was.
Another thing that dad would do when having to work someone through to a peaceful remedy was the art of engineering a conflict.
How many times did my parents have people over who were in conflict and dad could skillfully get many things out on the table so to speak…..
No one lost face but he could get even the ugliest parts of an issue out so that healing could come to whatever situation he was helping people with and through.
Reactionary vs Reflective
Being a very frenetic, emotional teenager, it took a long time but dad eventually got me to see that responding, even with a delay of time was so much better than at many a moment reacting in those moments.
He would say that sometimes, we can never take back what we say even if it was an emotional response.
There are some footprints that can’t be walked back…
Dad would often say that being a peacemaker takes strength; anyone can blow up; it take a strong man or woman to be able to see the lay of the land and know when to speak and when to wait…..
There are times when we’ll blow up or blow it; we’re human and mistake will happen but those moments should be the anomaly and not the norm.
Forgiveness Is An Art Lost On Many
I believe that one of the hardest things that people today struggle with is the ability to forgive.
Especially in the past 3 years, there have been so many hurt feelings, crushed spirits, alienated people because of decisions made in and out of families, friendships, places of work, communities, churches and some wounds have run very deep.
I know that some friends have said some almost inhumane things to me (others too) about choices made that didn’t fit their thinking….
You may have heard things like, “I don’t want you near me or my family or my business because you’d destroy it and them.” Among some of the publicly rated comments that could be mentioned.
Now, in the human context many times, our first reaction would be to retaliate or “slash back” because we have been offended, attacked, unfairly picked on etc.
But forgiveness as I have learned over the years is much more for us than the one who offended us.
Some of the comments that lend itself to this type of thinking would be:
Forgiveness Sets Us Free.
When we hold resentment toward another, we are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel.
Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.
Dad would reference some people he would counsel that were in a disagreement and would often say that the person who was holding on to their side tightly was the one who was more miserable than if they would really forgive the one who they felt wronged them..
But they wanted to hold to their hill of discontent a little bit longer.
“We read that we ought to forgive our enemies; but we do not read that we ought to forgive our friends.
Sometimes, we can even hold a bitter or rough root against our friends or family for something done and while people need to be accountable for the actions and deeds, sometimes, we hold them at arm’s length and even sometimes, we could even feel like we need to extract that pound of flesh because…… How could they? (Fill in the blank)
Funny, dad who by the way wasn’t perfect but I learned from him over time to be able to admit fault when we are in wrong.
There was a moment where he held on to something in regards to a family issue for a period of time that went on too long.
One day, we went for a long drive to talk about what was going on and at the end of the conversation, he asked if he should let the “Dog Lie” (also known as sleeping dogs lie).. To which I said, “The Dog Needs To Die!”
“The Dog Needs To Die!”
It’s interesting; the moment that happened, the skies cleared over our home and the next 20 plus years were some of the best years our family ever lived!!!
Some Other Things Learned:
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
It may sound like forgiveness is a way of giving up or giving in as a way to be a weak person. While the ones not forgiving are angry, seemingly powerful and strong. Such ideas may float around in various parts of our world and society.
But reality is a bit different. Not forgiving just seems to mostly eat us up inside.
We may feel angry and may even wish for revenge.
We replay arguments and memories over and over.
While the person we are resentful of or angry at may often not even be aware of all our thoughts and feelings. And so we go on, creating suffering for ourself.
“Most of us can forgive and forget; we just don't want the other person to forget that we forgave.”
Now For Some Good Medicine
There are many forgiveness stories in the Bible that encourage me but the one that seems to stick out most is the story of Joseph.
If we ever went to Sunday School, we would have heard of Joseph’s coat of many colors which coincidentally got him almost killed but sold into slavery.
He could have been executed when Potiphar’s wife lied and was thrown in prison because of those lies.
But I am in awe of Joseph for his composure and integrity. Despite being mistreated, he never showed any signs of bitterness. Instead, throughout all the trials he endured, he remained gracious and full of godly wisdom and integrity.
See Genesis chapters 39 through 41 for some of this story.
So, it’s no surprise that when he finally reunited with his brothers after many years, Joseph generously forgave them…
Genesis 45:4-8 “Please, come closer,” he said to them. So they came closer. And he said again, “I am Joseph, your brother, whom you sold into slavery in Egypt. But don’t be upset, and don’t be angry with yourselves for selling me to this place. It was God who sent me here ahead of you to preserve your lives. This famine that has ravaged the land for two years will last five more years, and there will be neither plowing nor harvesting. God has sent me ahead of you to keep you and your families alive and to preserve many survivors. So it was God who sent me here, not you! And he is the one who made me an adviser to Pharaoh—the manager of his entire palace and the governor of all Egypt.
I mean this is powerful, so despite all he went through, he could see that there could be redemption in the pain, through the pain and past the pain.
“Let us forgive each other – only then will we live in peace.”
“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”
If we look from a very practical perspective, then forgiveness is the smart thing to do. It saves us a lot of painful expenses.
It helps make us clearheaded again.
We stop feeding our thought loops of negativity with more energy. We can use that energy and focus that was previously spent strengthening those loops to start moving forward again.
Forgiveness might not be pleasant or something we necessarily want to do. We might think the other person is wrong and that we are right. But it is something we have to do anyway.
Without really forgiving, moving on will be next to impossible.
We have to choose for ourselves.
Do we want to stay in this protected position of feeling right and superior?
Do we want feel like the victim who has been wronged for long periods of our life?
Or do we want make a real change in our life and world?
We’ll have a hard time getting them both. It might not always be easy to forgive. But it has many big benefits.
The Things I Think:
Because dad followed Jesus, I look at the cross and the incredible love God had and has for us by sending Jesus to die in our place.
I mean think of it: Nowhere else do we see the full power of forgiveness in the Bible, then in Jesus’ prayer for God to forgive the people who were responsible for instigating and carrying out His crucifixion.
Luke 23:32-34 Two others, both criminals, were led out to be executed with him. When they came to a place called The Skull, they nailed him to the cross. And the criminals were also crucified—one on his right and one on his left. Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.” And the soldiers gambled for his clothes by throwing dice.
Our Heavenly Father knows our hearts, our motives, and our knowledge/awareness of our own sin-missing His mark… and in this case, Jesus’ words indicate that there may have been at least some that day who truly didn’t realize what they were doing.
May we also be generous to forgive those people in our lives who just don’t understand what they’re doing… and pray for God to open their eyes. But, even if they DO know full well what they’re doing—even if they’re unwilling to turn away or around or change—it’s still important to forgive.
Only God truly knows each person’s heart.
I’m thankful that I didn’t have a Teflon Dad, a fake dad, a know-it-all dad but a true blue, down to earth with heavenly values Dad!! The man from Bermuda! It still amazes me that his life and story lives on!
I desire to live like this; my dad, A man for all seasons……
Dave
Comments