If you only knew what she said, she almost ruined my life…… She needs payback.. I can hear my dad saying when I was growing up that the worst time to react to a negative situation was at the moment the brain and body were overheated…. Think I may have blown that a few times…
Forward Friday is another decluttering conversation around “Spite”, which in many cases looks like hatred, anger, resentment for the things that have happened to us.
A good refresher and maybe for those of us who are dealing with some tough moments presently in our lives.
Sometimes, we want to be the judge who deals out the pain for what or who has smacked us but there are better ways to grow and move forward from the tough moments… We can get there!
Let’s Get Into This!!
I remember the evening well. I was going to pay her back.
You see, my girlfriend at the time had blown me up; dumped me unceremoniously and it was pretty embarrassing. I decided that she needed pay back.
Maybe I should have not dated her in the first place but that's for another day!!
At the time, if somebody ordered pizza for delivery, the pizzeria didn’t call back; they just came.
So that’s what I did…. When the doorbell rang, my ex had no choice but to take the x-large pizza and $25 later, she had pizza.
She never knew that it was me and boy, was she mad…
Funny thing, I’ve never forgotten that episode and to be honest, it’s bothered me. No one has been able to track her down over the past number of years but if I were to have a chance to reconnect, I’d apologize because “Spite” has a way of staining the one tossing the revenge angle.
It’s strange; I’ve heard from so many people over the past 2 years and some of the words that have been thrown around have been, for a lack of a better word, Horrible.
Things Like:
I hate you; you disgust me. Get away from me.
I never loved you; I don’t know what I ever saw in you.
You are not family any longer; you are a disgrace to us.
Please stay away from us; I am protecting my family and my business by keeping you from us.
You’re stupid for thinking like you do; you mean nothing to me now….
The list can be extensive and it’s hard when the attack hits home and it's hard not to take it personally. And let’s be honest; besides feeling depressed, sad, frustrated, mad, revenge, anger and Spite can come into view pretty quickly
Revenge, anger and Spite can come into view pretty quickly.
We don’t often use or hear the word “Spite” possibly because it is associated to emotions like anger, resentment, hatred, bitterness, revenge but make no mistake, Spite is a word that clearly has trouble marked all over it for us as people.
Have We Ever:
Wished nothing good, job loss, get a ticket, car problems, bad food experience on someone who treated us badly? Funny how we would say, “Not Us” but let’s be honest, sometimes, we can let emotions get the best of us.
When we’re angry, we don't think clearly. In fact, many times, pain curbs our ability to make decisions. The crazy thing is, when we are saddled with some of those explosive emotions listed above, we tend to make more decisions that really hurt us more than the intended targets.
It’s not uncommon for the one who was hurt to seek or want revenge.
For example, if it’s an ex-partner who’s upset them, in today’s world, we could start an attack on social networks, throw out private information about them, or instigate a smear campaign.
Spite is an emotion that goes between two rivers: a resentment that eats away at us, and unmanaged sadness.
It isn’t easy to deal with insults, humiliation, and abandonment, especially when they come from what used to be a good place.
Spite and the desire to seek or get emotional justice
Spite is an emotion with an unhelpful sense of justice. Indeed, the wounded person feels hurt and wants to produce the same pain in the one who caused their pain.
“I’ve been hurt and I’m going to find a way to make them pay for the way they’ve made me suffer”.
Besides, the rejected individual perceives themselves as a victim. They feel exploited, cheated, and above all, humiliated. These adverse emotions can feed their burning desire for revenge.
Spite is a sword hanging over our head.
Seeking revenge, harboring permanent resentments, and feeding constant emotional distress always end up hurting us.
As a matter of fact, when we do anything against another, we’ll always end up hurting in some way or another.
In fact, spite is nothing more than a badly managed pain that’s become chronic and turned to resentment.
No one deserves to live in this permanent state. Living surrounded by resentment, hatred, and bitterness is like being cocooned in our own suffering.
Malice backfires; spite boomerangs.
But There Is Good News……
In the past 2 years, there are many who have been ostracized, pushed to the side, shunned, lost friends and family over decisions made, made to feel that principles are not worth standing for. Lost loves, possibilities and it could make one want to take revenge and negative actions!!
Maybe we must become those who are, “In Spite Of” instead of Spite…….
Some good counsel from the Bible to help us think thorough a few things….
Stop your anger! Turn off your rage. Don’t fret and worry—it only leads to harm.
We could react in anger and rage but we Choose “In Spite Of” instead of Spite.
God blesses those who are merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
It is a powerful thing to recognize that because of who we are as human beings, we also need to be shown mercy. We don't have to like what happened or go back to allowing everything to just go back to normal because that may not happen but..........
We show mercy "In Spite Of" instead of Spite because we want our lives to be blessed and not shipwrecked with revenge and bitter waters!!!
But you are merciful and gentle, Lord, slow in getting angry, full of constant loving-kindness and of truth;
We decide to be merciful, slow to get angry because we Choose “In Spite Of” instead of Spite.
But I say: Love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!
We decide to have empathy and compassion to those who have hurt us and to say a prayer for those who have wronged us because we Choose “In Spite Of” instead of Spite.
And don’t say, “Now I can pay them back for what they’ve done to me! I’ll get even with them!”
We decide not to seek revenge from our hands because we are not righteous enough to handle justice. We decide to take our hands off revenge because we Choose “In Spite Of” instead of Spite.
Don’t say, “I will get even for this wrong.” Wait for the Lord to handle the matter.
It’s hard to let the stick of consequences out of our hands but to alleviate the pain comes with revenge that ultimately comes through Spite, we Choose “In Spite Of” instead of Spite.
Some of us have been living in pain; some for years, some for months, some even recently.
Some have been friendly fire episodes; family and friends who have said and done things that have wounded so deeply, we can’t catch our breath.
Being fired from a job….
Being ostracized from people, community, society….
Being treated as less than……..
It would be so easy to “Pay Back” in some way but “Spite” is a heavy weight/cross to bear but somehow, in the plan of God, to be a person who strives to be a “In Spite Of” lightens our loads and we can hand over our cares to Him!
His shoulders are strong enough to handle our “Stuff”.
It doesn’t mean we are pushovers or an easy target; it just means that we recognize that we don’t have to become hard, frustrated, people and that we can give our cares and pain to a loving heavenly Father who can help us figure out how to move forward “In Spite Of”.
One of my mentors would often say after I was fired from a job that was extremely painful and public was, “Hate The Game And Not The Players!”
It’s served me well then and now.
One last thing: it has been my experience and the experience of many who have been hurt, pushed to the side at any time, especially in this paralyzing period of time we are living in to wonder where we fit in, where do we find community, where do we find connection to help us move forward?
This quote I read this week has so much depth and meaning in many directions but it spoke to me strongly. “Sit With The Lions; It’s Different There”
“Sit With The Lions; It’s Different There”
There are going to be hurts; life kinda hits us up that way from time to time yet we need to be “In Spite Of” people and not let Spite become us……
We may lose people along the way, some relationships may be salvaged but be encouraged to know that there are relationships that if given the chance, can elevate our lives.
Because “In Spite Of” hearts, minds and souls can find hope because the inside is not hard and calloused.
So I’m into this decluttering season; Working out the “Spite” so I can be an “In Spite Of” person is a continuing the personal, inside work of decluttering anything that causes me to be less than I was created to be.
Join me on the road to declutter…….
Dave
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