If you only knew what they did…
The pain is almost unbearable…
They tried to ruin my life…….
I’m so angry…….
I just can’t seem to let it get out of my system…
I hear you…
I understand those sentiments……
But… can we talk about it a little?
No recommendations or a how to manual but honestly talking about what it could mean to forgive and what it’s not because we just need to be free and really, it’s not always easy but to live free or freer, we need to figure out how the legacy of forgiveness can make a remarkable difference in our lives and in others too.
Forward Friday is all about building a legacy of forgiveness in our lives. Never easy but so beneficial for our emotional, physical wellbeing.
Let’s Get Into This:
I remember the pain of a first love lost and the pain and frustration of seeing her heart spin towards someone else. I would occasionally cycle past her apartment with the hopes that I could see her see me and keep riding as if it was a mere coincidence but really, I was so hurt and mad that I needed to enact some sort of control over a situation that was out of my control.
Sounds silly and teenage like (which it was) but it was only after I finally decided to forgive her because after all, teenagers do dumb stuff that I felt a lot better. Strange idea isn’t it?
The one who I thought was the one but dumped me and broke my heart…. I was so impacted with hurt and pain that I spent a miserable summer, wanting that person to have a horrid summer.
The only one who had a horrid summer was me….. It was a kidney stone attack that had me in the hospital for 10 days and having nothing else to do but think and it occurred to me that I had wasted so much time trying to make someone pay when the only person who was paying was me…..After I forgave her, so much more peace...
I can’t…. But can I?
Or thinking about the distress that ensued from the childhood trauma we endured at an early age that caused all sorts of suicidal and bulimia issues that persisted for years until breakthroughs came.
Some of the problems with forgiveness I think is that we look at the damage that some of what happened to us has caused not only the trouble but the time that it seemingly robbed from us……
How do we just forgive when it has caused us grief, untold pain and seemingly lost time?
I can’t…. But can I?
Or in 2 job situations, being taken advantage of, in one case, losing my job, the other being threatened with job loss constantly…. The brow beating to the point where for the first time in my life, I worked to rule; did what I was supposed to but had to leave when the bell rung because it had become too much. The money lost in that year and the emotional toll was almost too much….
It’s not an easy thing to want to forgive someone who embarrassed not only us but countless others as they, in a short time decimated all the gains the previous 6 years had won the school.
I can’t…. But can I?
I think of the legacy of forgiveness in 3 friends who suffered almost unspeakable hurt that hit from close range in their lives.
Heart wrenching, difficult to see ones close to us go through those seasons of pain, loss and abandonment….
However, while difficult, 2 of these towers of strength decided that bitterness, hatred, and an unforgiving spirit wasn’t going to get them far and they began the process of moving forward.
So today, their future is bright and filled with expectant hope… there will always be scars but they are just that now…. Scars….
My other friend’s pain was so deep that they just could never seem to get up off the floor so to speak or even get their elbow up to prop themselves up to see that there could be something good for them in spite of….
I can’t…. But can I?
There is no magic bullet nor is there a special how to when it comes to forgiveness. I do know that at some point, we must entertain the idea that we are inflicting more pain, more hurtful acid into our system when we allow the lack of forgiveness time to fester and grow inside of us.
We must entertain the idea that we are inflicting more pain, more hurtful acid into our system when we allow the lack of forgiveness time to fester and grow inside of us.
I know, I know, pain is not fun, especially when the direct hits come from family, friends, work etc.
Or when we’ve been cheated out of something(s) and we try to make sense of the mess that swirls inside our heads.
So how do we even begin to see why having a legacy of forgiveness can break the chains of whatever and whoever did whatever it was that hurt us?
Sometimes, we need some help and thoughts about why it’s so important for us; for no one else but for us… Others benefit from the freedom we get but we benefit most from the change in us.
Forgiveness Sets Us Free
As long as we don't forgive someone we are linked to that person. Our thoughts will return to the person who wronged us and what she/he did over and over again.
The emotional link is so strong and inflicts much suffering in us and – as a result of our inner turmoil –
Most often in other people around us too. While it is true that when we forgive we release the other person, what is more powerful is that we set ourselves free too from so much of that agony.
Forgiving Ourselves
Kelly has said this so many times and it bears repeating; What we think and feel about other people is pretty much what we think and feel about ourselves.
What we think and feel about other people is pretty much what we think and feel about ourselves.
This is not something that may always be obvious. But we do tend to judge and think about people as we think about ourselves.
A person who, for instance, is very critical of others tends to, deep down, be very critical of him/herself.
So, I’m working this out continually but forgiving myself much more quickly makes a difference in how I see forgiveness.
Start forgiving ourselves. Because when we start and continually forgive ourselves, we get some practice with forgiveness and we also realize how good it feels. We open up to how forgiveness can improve our life and lives of the people around us.
When We Forgive, Really Forgive
Mom would tell me of some of the horrible things she endured growing up and I would ask her why her disposition/her outlook on life was so joyful, full of hope when she was rocked by some unreal life experiences.
Mom would say, “If you’re going to forgive, really forgive because if you don’t, then you’re stepping back into the mess, looking to be the better one than the one who hurt you”.
Makes sense but sometimes, we hold on to feel like we have a little power as many times, the hurt of a situation feels like a power loss.
Good Medicine To Help Us Understand Why it’s Important To Forgive
One reason why we should contemplate forgiving others is to extend grace as we have been shown grace.
One need not be religious to understand that if we were honest………… we’ve all done a few things that we’d like to have back and it had to be the grace of one stronger, more powerful but even more loving to extend grace to us when we probably didn’t deserve it.
It can be one of the hardest things that we face in life!
The pain and hurt others cause us is real and great. But, the pain of living with bitterness and unforgiveness can poison our soul and destroy us.
When we forgive others, we are not saying what they did was OK, but we are releasing them to God and letting go of its hold on us.
Forgiveness does not forget, but it does set free from bitterness and grudges.
Matthew 18:21 Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” 22 “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!
Ephesians 4:31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
Mark 11:25 But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too
1 John 1:9 But if we confess our sins/Missing of the Mark to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins/Missing of the Mark and to clean us from all wickedness.
Forgiveness Is Not Weakness.
While many have found some hope in the middle of this mess, I wonder over this past year and a half, how many of the fractures in families, friendships, job situations etc. that have come to the forefront can be solved or resolved if there is little or no forgiveness in the process of change, growth and hope?
A friend once said that they were too weak to forgive because they felt they could keep an upper hand after the pain that was inflicted on them and in reality…. They were right….
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
So this is not a complete answer by any stretch of the imagination nor should it be but maybe some of these thoughts can be of hope to us if we’re struggling in any area of forgiveness… Maybe pass this along to someone we know who is struggling.
We do have life to live and when we drive our vehicles, we do have a rear view mirror but we don’t drive looking at that mirror to get us to where we are going. We need the mirror but it’s not the guidepost to our future..
With forgiveness, the future may become brighter than in our dreams.
“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”
Maybe today, if we have been a little stuck when it comes to forgiving, we can begin the process of building a legacy of forgiveness.
Oh, we may stumble; I know something about that but keep at it and don’t give up because forgiveness does make a difference.
I haven’t forgotten some of the things that cut me deeply but the more I’ve made the choice to forgive, those things become cloudier in details because I can see my future more clearly and those things do not have the pull they once did.
Forgiveness does not give those who have hurt us permission to run rip shod over our heart, emotions, life again because we are wiser than before but I’ve learned that holding no grudges or not trying to keep the pain going has gotten me further and has kept my heart soft and less callous than choosing the latter.
If this has encouraged you today, pass this along to someone so they can get some good news!!
Walking the forgiveness road with you…
Dave
Comments