It would be easy to dive into the events of this past week and that will come at some point but I have been thinking a lot about the power of words and their effects on us recently so we’re going to plant ourselves here for another Saturday as we ponder about words.
BTW, I'm kinda of liking these Saturday reflections for a Forward Friday... For now....
There is a quote I read early in the week and it has stayed with me because while it speaks to what we say, the same thing could be said about how we receive words or how they could make us become something we never intended to become.
The quote says, “Never trust our tongue when our heart is bitter”.
We could also say, “Never let our heart become bitter from the things that come out of someone’s else's mouth”. Or our mouth because we can speak such death type words over our lives for many reasons.
“Never trust the tongue when the heart is bitter”.
We could also say, “Never let our heart become bitter from the things that come out of someone’s else's mouth”
If we were honest, we long for the words that bring us life.
The Bible says that out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. Out of the same mouth, can flow fresh water or salt water.
It is an amazing thing the power that we have when it comes to the words we speak.
The crazy thing is; life can pivot on a word or words that are spoken.
Some Examples from this week alone:
A received a phone call from a friend who I hadn’t spoken to in 15 years and hadn’t seen in 30 plus years. They googled me and tracked me down because they needed to clear some air. (I didn’t even know there was a problem from the past)
When they spoke of the issue and when I explained that what they thought back then was not what I believed at the time, there was this huge wave of relief that they said lifted off their shoulders. 5 Words….
I was chatting with one of the young men I had mentored in the past and at one point, he mentioned that he and a group of men that he has community with have said that some of the arenas of life that I have been in have blazed a trail for them to go further and hit some arenas of life that they have access to. They were thankful for seeing what I was doing years ago to help them now. Words that put wind in the sails of my soul that day to keep moving ahead in the arenas I am in now. 3 Words.....
In the school system that I work in, we do weekly home visits for disconnected students that we reach out to. Even in the quarantine.
A dad was telling me part of the harrowing story of how he almost lost his kids because of the lies and tricks of his former spouse. (Messy divorce-custody battles-orders of protection)
And the long, winding road of the rebuilding of relationships with his kids has been hard. But one of his kids keeps saying that there are brighter days coming and “we’re here now so we move forward!” 7 Words….
But it’s hard when the words come and there is this seemingly auto response to become engulfed with bitterness because of the wound, the gaping hole, the gut punch some words create.
Things Like:
I never loved you or I feel like I need to take a break from this relationship. And the marriage or courtship or relationship crumbles out of our hands….
So we we're letting you go or resign or be fired.
So I cut your pay; if you don’t like it, go find another job.
I didn’t mean to tell them what you told me and I know you said to keep it confidential but it slipped out.
I could list more but it speaks to words coming at us with knife like precision to cut us to the core. Those things above are things that have happened to me.
While I can say that I truly was not bitter in those moments, the effects of being sorely disappointment wore at me for a long time until I started realizing a couple of things.
It speaks to words coming at us with knife like precision to cut us to the core.
As hard as some of those things were and they didn’t happen all at the same time (Thank God), when I finally allowed myself to grieve the moments, tried to see if there was any upside, my eyes started to open to the possibility that maybe I was being saved from far worse down the road had I continued on the road I was on.
Maybe I was being saved from far worse down the road had I continued on the road I was on.
Yes, it was hard to see that person go who I thought was the deal but am I ever glad that my eyes at a certain point opened to really see the pitfalls of what could have been and now 23 years later and counting, I’ve been blessed with the best girl for me! But what if I didn’t……..
It was hard to hear statements spoken like they were true that tore away at my confidence in my abilities but now years later, the places I’ve been able to work in, the skills I’ve honed and new ones I didn’t know I had, the people I’ve been able to connect with and to have been immeasurable. But what if I didn’t…….
Losing money that was rightfully mine hurt and those shock waves were felt long after the initial action but that last money punch was the impetus to say no more after the contract was over and created movement for looking for better. But what if I didn’t…….
I believe bitterness creates offense when words come out of the mouth of a bitter heart and equally so, bitterness is created when we allow those emotions to boil over when negative words and actions come at us and we do not bridle, rein in, arrest those emotions.
If we do not bridle, rein in, arrest those emotions, we can become a bitter root!
And being angry, frustrated, upset is a natural cause and effect but left unchecked, words come out, actions come out that can do as much harm as what came at us.
So here are a couple of Tried and True thoughts about dealing with the negative words that come at us that try to leave us angry, mad and bitter.
Maybe they might make sense to you.
Anger/Bitterness involves indignation followed by an action, and that action has cause and effect whether to help or harm us based on which we way we turn.
Bitterness can feel worse than anger because it involves feeling helpless many times.
Being embittered: bitterness happens when we feel there is no action left to take because everything is out of our control.
While it might be true we can’t change what happened that has left us bitter, we can take action to move forward in our life and away from bitterness.
Is overcoming bitterness worth the effort?
Bitterness is a symptom causing, wrecking ball of trauma with things like sleeplessness, fatigue, it can in the long term lead to low self-confidence, negative personality shifts, and an inability to have engage in healthy relationships.
Forgive – but only at our own pace.
Forgiveness is a great release; mentally, emotionally, psychologically speaking – but only if we are ready and it’s real.
Fake forgiveness can be a way of just denying how we feel, or we even hold back from managing emotions and situations
And Don’t Forget To Forgive Ourselves, Too.
This might be the hardest but most important part of moving on from bitterness
Sometimes, we hold on to being bitter and it warps into us beating ourselves because we let someone else dictate the terms in our life by getting so lost by the words that they spoke and the words become chains.
We get furious with ourselves and get lost in the mess.
Finding ways to reframe what happened in ways that show ourselves compassion can be a great release.
Maybe being overwhelmed at whatever the thought may be, we shouldn’t be afraid to seek support. Bitterness is a hard thing for most to get over, and sometimes the strongest thing we can do is admit we need help.
Now, About The Words That Come Out Of Our Mouth……….
Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—we choose.
Words are powerful; take them seriously.
“Listen, and take this to heart. It’s not what we swallow that pollutes our life, but what comes out of our mouth.”
Kind words heal and help; cutting words wound and maim.
We must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.
Confession: When I was younger, I would often be amazed at some of the cutting things that would come out of my mouth: and no I wasn’t swearing but one need not swear to be offensive.
One day, I recognized that I needed to change.
So I started practicing a little mantra if you will….
Whenever the urge to say something offensive or negative would rear its ugly head in my mind, I would say either inwardly or outwardly, “I could say something but I won’t!”
One day, I recognized that I needed to change.
There were times that some would try and goad me to say something but as time moved along, it became my reflex to adjust my mouth to not speak salty that could offend and hurt someone in the process.
Yes, over the years I’ve failed but I’m better than where I was pre-mantra.
In this “Hot Take” era, the social media shot takers, the flippant and yes, even text message, our words matter.
It’s even more than being kind; it’s understanding that our words have much power and if so, we should be measured in the words that come out.
Speak with joy, grace, kindness, strength, fortitude, conviction of conscience and spirit but with the awareness that Words Matter so what and how we say things really Counts!
I’m with you on this!!!!
Dave
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