I’m still; not sleeping well I’m still; expecting to hear a call from the living room I’m still; not crying like I thought I would I’m still; moving.. slowly but moving
I’m no expert on the subject of grief or even claim to be but the number of messages I recently received of people who are dealing with some sort of grief; still grieving the loss of a loved one, friend, divorce, a job prompted this blog.
While this blog I believe is Part of my healing process, maybe some of my thoughts could be of help for those in the middle, coming out or going in to this tough season of life.
It’s hard to believe that in a few weeks, it will be 7 months since mom passed away. Her smiling face, silly comments, the love she freely and luxuriously shared not only to us but to everyone she came in contact with is something we miss terribly.
But I am realizing what I miss most are the Late Nite chats as I put her to bed. Mom lived with us for the past 14 plus years and mom was part of our family unit and mom factored into everything. But we loved it.
Now I’ve been told that it gets easier and I know that we lived through dad passing 16 years ago but there’s been something different about mom leaving us.
Maybe it’s the feeling of being orphans even if we are not; the plans revolved around Bumble Bea; was she coming wherever we were going, the where, when, how etc.
It could be the drives we’d take to an appointment or a leisurely one where mom would so readily show her gratefulness for the life she led by speaking timeless truths or encouraging thoughts.
2 of my favorite drives were celebrating her 90th and 93rd birthday going to Bermuda. Driving through the night to New York City and around 1:30 am both times, when I thought she was sleeping, Mom would say, “How are you doing?” and “Boy, there’s no one out on the roads at this hour”. Just making sure I was up and we’d have these Late Nite, early morning conversations that were fun, unexpected but so appreciated, especially now.
There are the stages of grief one goes through but I’m not sure where I am right now so this past week, I began to think of,
“How did I get through a heartbreaking end to a relationship?”
How did I survive some harsh and troublesome job separations?
It occurred to me that a lot of what we could do to more than just survive this type of season is not that far from our hands so to speak.
There’s Nothing new under the sun so as I’ve been thinking about how I’ve been progressing over these past 7 months, there have been Forward Steps and little Sunshine Moments.
Just a couple:
1. So I separated my shoulder around the Christmas holidays and it curtailed the rest of my hockey season (Boo). I’ve been going to therapy and as my therapist said, “You really got lit up!” The sessions have been good but what has unexpectantly helped has been the summer work I do in the school board in maintenance.
It’s hot, not particularly glamorous work but a lot of what I have been doing has been releasing the “Stuck” element with my shoulder. I was thinking this week how grateful I am for this job that is getting me back to being ready for the fall hockey season.
2. The Summer I find helps me gain greater control over my eating habits and prepares me for the fall as my regular job with the school board has me on the road an awful lot.
But my working out has been limited by my injury since the New Year which has been no less than frustrating.
One of my friends has been going through a devastating situation that on one front has had him reeling but a funny thing has happened along the way.
He made a decision to start working out; slowly but over the course of a number of months has lost 30 lbs, gotten stronger, eating better, looking better (I think) so even though his circumstance that he’s living in has gotten darker, he has inspired me with doing what he can with what’s within his grasp.
That got my attention and last weekend, the therapist gave the green light that I can begin working out again (slowly). 4 days in, sore but loving the fact that I’m back on the road to getting stronger.
3. My wife decided that we needed a sunshine moment in our house so mom’s room has been transformed into this gorgeous guestroom with mom’s essence still there. That has been a big help so that when I take a look in the room every day, I feel mom’s smiling, joy in my heart. (And her motto)
4. I received a message this week from a camp director of a Youth/Young Adults camp I had spoken at not that long ago. He had some correspondence from a young woman who was at that camp and as he relayed what she wrote, I instantly remembered the moment.
This girl was a cutter, self harming, suicidal etc and had a really hard upbringing.
We spent quite a bit of time over that week encouraging her and giving her some guidance for handling life when she went back home.
I had told her to call me if she ever felt like life was swallowing her up.
She did; and besides letting her know that I cared for her and God really loved her, we gave her some steps to follow to get help in her area.
This correspondence was her way of wanting to give thanks for that week because it was the beginning of a changed life, now a mom, wife and a young woman giving back to her community.
Why is this important to tell you and to remind myself? That week was not long after the devastation and grief of a job loss that I had once loved and to hear that years later, because I walked or maybe limped in that frame of time, a young woman’s life was irrevocably altered forever for the good.
It also reminded me of mom saying to me at that specific time in my life that the setback while harsh and difficult could be a setup for something greater or someone’s greater. I am humbled that it was for that young lady’s greater and that she is healthy and stronger than before.
As I read that sunshine message today, I want to say to whoever needs a pick me up, we all can use Forward Steps & Sunshine Moments.
We may feel like we’re stumbling because of the pain or where is the Sunshine right now, but the moments are there, waiting to give you some oxygen so you can breathe a little.
The moments are there, waiting to give us some oxygen so we can breathe a little.
It’s still tough and I know that there are more days that will seem rough or rougher missing mom but even for me today, I am reminded that I’m looking for Forward Steps & Sunshine Moments.
I hope you will too!
To Forward Steps & Sunshine Moments
Dave
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