I received a question recently that caught my attention.
Hi Dave, I’m still struggling with an abusive situation that happened to me in high school years ago. I’ve told no one what happened and it’s cost me relationships and some friendships. I’m bottled up inside; can you help me?
Hi Dave, I’m still struggling with an abusive situation that happened to me in high school years ago. I’ve told no one what happened and it’s cost me relationships and some friendships. I’m bottled up inside; can you help me?
So honored that this person wrote so here’s some of what I wrote back to help her think through some things.
I slowly and I mean slowly began the process of telling a couple of people I associated with about this journey of self-discovery I was on and the reactions I received were as numerous and varied as their faces. To be honest, I wasn’t sure what type of reactions I was going to get but the most telling comment that came my way was, “You are brave, I could never tell even the tiniest detail of my life to anyone.”
“You are brave, I could never tell even the tiniest detail of my life to anyone.”
The sad thing is, it represents us, we as people. Because so many judge an action, a moment, a story and many reactions at times seem to be laced with vinegar, is it any wonder so many of us live in silent pain continually? Is it any wonder when we want to scream, pull our hair out, try and figure out what’s happening on the inside, we back off because well, we may get….. and you can fill in the blank.
Is it any wonder when we want to scream, pull our hair out, try and figure out what’s happening on the inside, we back off because well, we may get….. and you can fill in the blank.
I didn’t know that in the supposed safety of community, some of the toughest days as my progressive healing from the past was taking place, would be some of the hardest roads to walk in the progression. But that’s for another day.
I think looking back, I know now that I would have sought out some professional guidance or help in those early stages of relief and release to walk me through the next steps. I believe it would have helped for what was to come in terms of how I would be treated good, bad or otherwise. (I did go for some counselling a little later which was amazing)
So I’ve been thinking what could I suggest to those who have struggled with abuse of any kind or can relate to struggles because we all struggle at times in our life? Maybe you know of someone who has been a victim of abuse and want to help in a constructive way.
I hope that something read will resonate to help start the process to bring healing to the hurt, the pain, the unresolved wound because it really does matter to become whole.
I hope that something read will resonate to help start the process to bring healing to the hurt, the pain, the unresolved wound because it really does matter to become whole.
I hope that something read will resonate to help start the process to bring healing to the hurt, the pain, the unresolved wound because it really does matter to become whole.
If there has been abuse, we need to know some things:
-We didn’t ask for it.
-We didn’t deserve it.
-Somehow, we need to find the voice to tell someone we can trust: it’s not easy but a necessary step in the process.
-If we find it difficult to talk with someone close, there are other professional avenues but we need to take a step for our own sake. (See some contacts below)
If we want to help a friend, family member, co-worker who has been a victim, here are some things to take into consideration when and if we walk the road with them.
A. Be as supportive and non-judgmental as possible.
B. Support could mean providing resources, such as numbers to get help, seek medical attention, or report the crime to the police. But often listening is the best way to support a survivor.
Here are some recommended specific expressions to be supportive through a survivor’s healing process.
C. “I believe you. / It took a lot of courage to tell me about this.”
D. “It’s not your fault. /You didn’t do anything to deserve this.”
E. “You are not alone. / I care about you and am here to listen or help in any way I can.”
F. “I’m sorry this happened. / This shouldn’t have happened to you.”
G. “This must be really tough for you,” and, “I’m so glad you are sharing this with me,” help to communicate empathy.
There’s no timetable when it comes to recovering from sexual violence. If someone trusted us enough to disclose the event to us, consider the following ways to show our continued support.
There’s no timetable when it comes to recovering from sexual violence. If someone trusted us enough to disclose the event to us, consider the following ways to show our continued support.
Avoid judgment. It can be difficult to watch a survivor struggle with the effects of sexual assault for an extended period of time. Avoid comments that suggest they’re taking too long to recover such as, “You’ve been acting like this for a while now,” or “How much longer will you feel this way?”
Check in periodically. The event may have happened a long time ago, but that doesn’t mean the pain is gone. Check in with the survivor to remind them you still care about their well-being and believe their story.
Inform yourself on resources that could be helpful.
Encourage them to practice healthy self-care during this difficult time.
Physical self-care
· How are we/they sleeping? Is there a sleep ritual or nap pattern that works in terms of good rest?
· What types of food are we/they eating? What meals makes one feel healthy and strong?
· What types of exercise do we/they enjoy?
· Are there certain daily routines that makes one feel good?
Emotional Self Care
· What fun or leisure activities are enjoyable? Are there events or outings that are looked forward to?
· For some, writing down thoughts in a journal or personal notebook is an opportunity to help the healing process.
· Is praying a part of a regular schedule?
· Are there inspirational words or thoughts we can go to that encourage us?
· Who do we spend time with? Is there someone, or a group of people, that we feel safe and supported around?
· Where do we spend our time? Special place, friend’s house that helps us feel grounded?
A friend passed these thoughts from a great writer, Max Lucado and it’s worth sharing them because not only do words matter but the message behind them matters too.
The Morning Does Come: Trying To Change The Inner Picture
Despair will not rule the day. Sorrows, burdens, torment, distress will not last forever. The clouds may eclipse, hide, cover, darken the sun, but they cannot eliminate it. Night might delay the dawn, but it cannot defeat it. Morning comes. Not as quickly as we want. Not as dramatically as we desire. But morning comes, and, with it, comes joy. Joy comes.
Morning comes. Not as quickly as we want. Not as dramatically as we desire. But morning comes, and, with it, comes joy. Joy comes.
“Joy comes because God comes.”
To those struggling, looking for relief? We maybe tempted to give up. Please don’t. Open a Bible if we have one or get one. Don’t empty our minds but fill it with truths to help us through the tough moments. Sing a song. Talk to someone about our hurt. Seek help. Place ourselves in a position to be found by hope. Weeping, crying comes.
But so does joy.” I know that it was God who preserved my life during those dark days. And He did give me “Joy” moments that got me through a lot of rough roads.
I know that it was God who preserved my life during those dark days. And He did give me “Joy” moments that got me through a lot of rough roads.
Isolation Is Dangerous
We cannot walk this road of life on our own. If we want to be stuck, feel like there is no hope for us, a surefire way to trap ourselves is to isolate ourselves. We are not strong enough to endure, suffer by ourselves. We were not designed to operate that way. We were created out of community for community.
To be courageously vulnerable is scary but I can tell you that once that scary part was lifted from my thinking, it started to make the world of difference in my healing journey.
To be courageously vulnerable is scary but I can tell you that once that scary part was lifted from my thinking, it started to make the world of difference in my healing journey.
Looking back on those crazy, terrifying I’m not sure what’s going on but I’m scared years, I wish I could have tried to tell those close to me what I was feeling even if I couldn’t figure out what was going on inside. But I can say that God, my family, good friends have been good to me and I’m talking today to help you or someone you know not have to live in the shadows any longer.
Besides, it's time to live again: why not? It's our opportunity breathe freely!
If you live in Canada, there is not one number that all roads lead to… But here are a few:
Quebec CAVAC 1-866-532-2822
Ontario Victims Services 1-888-579-2888
Ontario Support Services for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse 1-866-887-0015
Alberta 1-866-644-5135
Saskatchewan 1-888-338-0880
Manitoba 1-888-292-7565
New Brunswick 1-506-454-0437
Prince Edward Island 1-888-368-8055
Newfoundland/Labrador 1-800-726-2743
British Columbia 1-800-563-0808
Nova Scotia 1-902-425-1066
United States National Sexual Assault Hotline 800.656.HOPE (4673) and online.rainn.org,
Sometimes, cliché lines can seem lame but the Chinese proverb that “a journey of a 1000 miles starts with a single step” seems fitting when it comes to making positive progressions when working towards overcoming abuse.
Sometimes, cliché lines can seem lame but the Chinese proverb that “a journey of a 1000 miles starts with a single step” seems fitting when it comes to making positive progressions when working towards overcoming abuse.
It’s not easy but joy does come!
I’m cheering for You!!!!!!!!!
Dave
#ForwardFridays #overcome #love #motivation #life #inspire #hope #inspiration #strength #believe #goals #happiness #success #purpose #mindset #faith #courage #focus #smile #confidence #selflove
"Subscribe to my blog to receive an email every time I write a new post."
Comments