The blind spot of anger posts has conjured up a lot of private responses to our previous postings and one of the questions that came up often was, in my estimation, what are a couple of the key issues why people are angry?
What advice could I give for the one who finds themselves angry often and needs some relief?
I hope if that’s you, you can find some relief today. Nothing I’m saying is essentially new because if it’s new, it’s not necessarily true but maybe re framing the conversation may help those that struggle to see things a little differently this time.
Maybe re framing the conversation may help those that struggle to see things a little differently this time.
You Might Have A Blind Spot Where Anger Rears Its Head If: We Are Unable To Give Or Receive Forgiveness
The angry person usually expresses bitterness about life in general; sometimes it is subtle in the comments or actions but ultimately, the one who is angry is expressing a bitterness toward God.
They may not see it that way but because they are in the perpetual bubble of anger, it is saying that the Creator must have forgotten about them and by passed them so in some ways, this is their way of saying, “I’ve been ripped off!”
This is their way of saying, “I’ve been ripped off!”
This is not to say that bad things haven’t happened by people or circumstances but when our code, our M.O. is to be angry all the time, we are saying that we’ve been given the short stick.
Dad would always say not to forget that just because we are going through a rough stretch, it doesn’t mean that someone else doesn’t have it worse than we do.
That would usually take the edge off living in grudge mode.
The hurts from the past are usually associated with many people or groups of people, so it is hard for the person to forgive a single individual or respond well if one asks for forgiveness.
The angry person predictably balances guilt by blaming others for the problems they face. That person then withholds forgiveness so that they are not left with only their guilt and the responsibility of their actions.
Definitely a tough way to live life.
You Might Have A Blind Spot Where Anger Rears Its Head If: We Tend To Be Stubborn
Being stubborn can be a valuable personal attribute in some situations, especially when taking a moral stand and holding to a position that are important.
But sometimes, we weaponize stubbornness as a way to punish someone.
We weaponize stubbornness as a way to punish someone
We are mad at someone, want to get back at them for whatever reason, it’s a way to try and control someone with our mood swings, to do harm in some way to try and show we can dictate and while we may get the desired effect of hurting someone(s), at a certain point, we can do untold damage to a relationship and cause destruction that can be hard to walk that trouble caused by stubbornness back to some form of health.
That type of angry only works for so long before it takes it effect on us and for many who have walked with the angry bag on their shoulders, many find themselves alone, separated, marginalized, a prisoner of their own making.
Many find themselves alone, separated, marginalized, a prisoner of their own making.
So here are a few thing that I think are important to help the angry begin the process of Change..
Transformation is Not Management
The current trends suggest that “anger management” is what will solve the issues of anger. I think experience says that more than anything else, people who struggle with anger need a transformation.
Transformation is about a renewing of mind, heart and spirit.
It speaks that there is a turn around, turnabout, shift, and adjustment in how we process life, the circumstances that come our way so that as time passes, our responses, our actions become different than what they were pre-transformation.
It speaks that there is a turn around, turnabout, shift, and adjustment in how we process life
Transformation is not the same as management. Transformation of life and character is a like a makeover; how we do that comes in a number of ways but here are a couple to consider.
Don’t Stay Mad; Forgiveness is Possible
The first step is to offer (and seek) forgiveness. Yes, us. We need to forgive our father, our mom, sibling, friend, that terrible, lousy leader, the one who cheated us out of whatever that may have been, anyone who ever did us wrong.
It’s hard but before we can start to breathe right, there are just some things we have to do to get to where we need to get to.
Can you believe that some people have held anger, grudges from the past for so long that it has now disrupted their present which now threatens their future because they never took care of the mess of anger in the back page of their life and now their actions have messed up their choices now?
Sadly, others often suffer because of what they never dealt with in the past.
Now, it’s time to forgive ourselves. We need to stop “punching ourselves in the face” and let ourselves breathe for a moment or two.
No matter the “issue” and the list could be really long, we need to Forgive ourselves. Part of the trans-formative process is the ability to look ourselves in the mirror and forgive ourselves for our past actions, behavior and anger.
It should be the next natural action to seek out, look for those we have hurt, offended, injured because of our anger, and ask forgiveness.
Sometimes, we don’t take this step because we feel that they may not accept it and that well may be but if we are serious about trans-formative change, this is a necessary part of the process.
We can’t control their actions or responses but we are definitely responsible for making things right if we truly are serious about change.
Forgiveness isn’t something we feel; it is an action.
To forgive is to release. Isn’t it about time to let the one(s) we are so angry at and ourselves off the crooked, steel fence of offence which has more than anything else immobilized us?
Relax: Sounds Simple………
So this speaks to me because when I was young, I had a flash pot temper and my parents and grade 5 teacher figured out that I needed some measure put in place that I could learn and grow into to help me for my life journey.
I learned to: play tennis… it started out as a way to get my feelings out by smacking a tennis ball to get my feelings out….
I learned to: practice deep breathing exercises along with saying things like: “Take It Easy”, “This Too Shall Pass”, “Count To Ten Now” etc. It really made/makes difference even today.
I learned to: go for a walk when I needed space so I wouldn’t blow.
When our temper feels like its going to steam up to the point of blowing, try something to help us relax but don’t do the fold the arms and doing nothing or say something like, “this is just who I am”.
That doesn’t wash anymore.
Whatever it takes to encourage the action to relax.
Find Someone Who Can Help Us/Walk With Us
While it may not have to be an accountability partner (which is not a bad thing), we may need a friend, coworker, minister, family member; someone who will walk with us as we make the transformation from being an angry, combative person to one who can breathe normally and enjoy life in a different way than we did before.
We need someone who will walk with us as we make the transformation from being an angry, combative person to one who can breathe normally and enjoy life in a different way than we did before.
Why not? The other way is painful and if we were honest, doesn’t really get us where we really need to go.
Here are a few trustworthy Proverb sayings regarding anger. I trust that we are all encouraged to live better than we did yesterday… It can be done!!!
“Make no friendship with the one given to anger, nor go with an angry man-woman.” Angry people make other angry people.
“A person of rage stirs up trouble, and one given to anger causes much offense.”
“Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is their credit to overlook an offense.”
“Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but the one who has a hasty temper exalts recklessness.”
Here’s to believing in our transformation
Dave
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