I've been doing a lot of reading lately on the making of a man from different perspectives and it`s caused me to think about how I arrived (actually, always arriving because life is learning continually) to become who I am. So it is through this personal lense that these thoughts come to mind.
One that caught my attention was an article on the making of a black man and it resonated with me.
Partly because I know that I was blessed to have the parents, particularly the dad I had and having worked with and still work with many young men over the past 30 years, it really matters who is helping to bring up, grow up, train up a generation of young men.
it really matters who is helping to bring up, grow up, train up a generation of young men.
There is a verse in the Bible that says to train up, teach up, coach up, guide up, tutor up, prepare up a boy or girl in the way that he-she should go and when they grow older, they will not depart, leave, quit, pull away, and deviate from it.
So, Dad……..
I have to say that my brother and I were blessed and fortunate to have the dad we did. From humble beginnings in Bermuda, growing up in the depression era, to venturing to Canada to pursue a dream in a time where the color of one`s skin dictated how that person would be treated most times, dad was a trailblazer in his own right.
If I can be half of what dad was, because he was a not just a good man but a great man!
I can remember the stories he would tell us that would serve us well to know that life`s pathway is nuanced and not binary (only 2 options).
I can remember the stories he would tell us that would serve us well to know that life`s pathway is nuanced and not binary (only 2 options).
Like; when he was looking for an apartment in Toronto in 1949 while going to seminary school, he was turned away numerous times when in fact, the apartments he was calling about where in fact, available. He could have been embittered because of mistreatment but then he would tell us of the stories of incredible kindness.
The time where he put his last trolley car ticket in the wicket on the way to school, not knowing how he would get home. 2 blocks down the street, the trolley car stopped. The trolley driver walked to the back of the trolley straight to dad. Dad thought he did something wrong but noticed that the driver had tears in his eyes and said, ``I don`t know why I have to do this but here you go``. It was 3 books of car tickets that totaled 150 tickets.
He would always say that we were to treat people as we would find them.
He would always say that we were to treat people as we would find them.
Not because of what someone else did that would mean that I would treat the next person in reaction to how the previous one treated me.
I think that in our society presently, many times, young men and especially young men of color either have been taught to distrust the next person they meet because of a previous incident and while some things are difficult to deal with be it police issues, authority issues, parental issues, life becomes a walking stand off because we cannot trust anyone save ourselves so to speak. Or the experiences of life would cause one to be reactionary in a negative way.
I think of how when I was about 10 years old, I was leaving the house and dad said, ``Son, only listen for your name and respond only to Dave, David or Mills``. Wasn't quite sure why he said it at the time but I went out thinking okay, sounds good.
Little did I know that what dad did was to save me from hearing the derogatory, harsh and rude comments and internalizing them because after all, my name was what mattered and nothing else.
Little did I know that what dad did was to save me from hearing the derogatory, harsh and rude comments and internalizing them because after all, my name was what mattered and nothing else.
As I got older and started hearing some of the racial names being thrown my way, I didn't react because they weren't talking to me; my worth was not and is still not in someone else`s misinformed calculation of me.
Although, there are so many mixed messages that young men pick up these days from the media stars, the hip hop artists and rappers to name a few. To call themselves ugly names but to then flip out if someone else used the same name(s). Why would anyone want to own names that mean beneath the dirt, vile, low, unclean and say it’s okay for us to talk like that but dare anyone else say those same words to us… Well, those are fighting words to say the least.
We may not have had a dad in our life at various points or at all for whatever reason but the making of a man needs a mentor… Someone to help us navigate the nuances, the tones, the shades, the degrees of life…
We may not have had a dad in our life at various points or at all for whatever reason but the making of a man needs a mentor… Someone to help us navigate the nuances, the tones, the shades, the degrees of life…
To this day, if I hear Dave or David anywhere, my reaction is to turn because that`s my name and it follows me; not the trashy comments some would want to throw out there.
Now, to bring some balance to this thought process, it is hard for someone who has never had someone give them another way to look at the life they are living or how life, people and circumstances come their way.
Some young men have learned by experience to have cultivated a strong distrust for authority figures. I can understand that feeling because I’ve experienced some moments where profiling has taken place. I've also experienced moments where in the job market, I was passed over or treated unprofessionally because some felt they could do so.
So, in the making of a man, how does a young man trying to move forward navigate the pitfalls that will come…
I think one of the things that I’ve learned and am still learning is that options, helping young men dream past the neighborhood city limits makes a difference.
I think one of the things that I’ve learned and am still learning is that options, helping young men dream past the neighborhood city limits makes a difference.
Sometimes, because many a young man sees only binary (2 options) choices, trying to achieve to hit the top of whatever the potential goal is is too much, or the opposite which often looks like, “society expects me to be a certain way, act a certain way, I will be that person that becomes a problem”.
So many young men grow up and anger becomes part of their experience for many reasons: family not intact, narrow choices, perceived and real discrimination, the perception that it’s hard to see past those neighborhood city limits so hope is someone else’s narrative.
If anger drives us to: energize for change, helps us to be part of a solution, makes us aware of injustice, helps us make goals to see change come then it can be a positive but many times, anger sits and festers and then problems persist and tend to grow into other issues and problems.
Even choices made that seemed simple normal back in the day had and still have ramifications to how I try to live and do life now.
When I was 5 years old, I remember seeing the Montreal Canadiens playing hockey on TV (we had just gotten a black & white TV) on a Saturday night and proclaiming they were my team. I told dad I wanted to play hockey. So what did he do? He build a rink in our yard which became a famous yard for the neighborhood kids to come and play during the winters.
A guy from Bermuda asks a few questions and then builds an ice rink in our yard so his boys can play the game they love and their Irish, Italian, French and Ukrainian friends benefit….. I don’t think they were playing hockey in Bermuda back then…….
A guy from Bermuda asks a few questions and then builds an ice rink in our yard so his boys can play the game they love and their Irish, Italian, French and Ukrainian friends benefit….. I don’t think they were playing hockey in Bermuda back then…….
Hockey became my first love, followed by baseball and football. Basketball never entered the equation but it sure made others top ten lists to ask questions as I got older.
Things like, “Why aren’t you playing basketball? Isn’t that your sport”? “Can you name any hockey players”? And there were more but those things didn’t deter me because I had a right to enjoy a game I fell in love with.
It was not common to see 2 black kids playing but that was the sport we loved and played growing up.
Even later in university, some mornings we would go play early morning intramurals on campus and on the bus, adults would say the most ridiculous and backhanded comments but again, I was brought up to think nuanced and options were and are my friend and we learned to not be deterred by the roadblocks of others.
In school, we were not allowed to make excuses for poor results or lack of effort. It was not a crime to struggle for our parents; it was a crime to not work hard, ask for help, be a problem in class or follow the kids who were aimless and therefore ones to not follow.
Besides, not that my dad said this but realizing that 4 times he was invited to become the lead minister of churches in Bermuda, yet he gave up living his dream so that we could have the best opportunity to succeed, we would not only let ourselves down by not following through on his sacrifice, but that he would be let down.
Besides, not that my dad said this but realizing that 4 times he was invited to become the lead minister of churches in Bermuda, yet he gave up living his dream so that we could have the best opportunity to succeed, we would not only let ourselves down by not following through on his sacrifice, but that he would be let down.
He beamed bright when both my brother and I graduated high school, college and university, began working in education and also in ministry. His sacrifice I believe has paid dividends for both of us.
I learned that even in sports, I had more options and it also has served me well in the game of life.
I look and see that there are more dad traits in me then I would have realized.
Dad was, a master carpenter (don’t ask me to paint or build a house thank you very much), minister, chef, baker, maintenance assistant head, voracious reader, nature lover, hockey rink builder to name a few.
While my cooking and catering abilities have taken off in recent years, watching my dad (mom too) and how he would follow through in serving people has stuck with me all these years.
So dad and mom would be the Christmas and special event dinner chefs at our church. I would see them kill it every time, with people not being able to get enough of their food, desserts etc.
Easter and thanksgiving, dad was the hot cross bun king. We didn’t like it because he would make 12-16 dozen but share most of them because in his words, “people could use a good treat”. People would order his Christmas cakes and puddings and you guessed it, we needed to share because……
Without always having to say, part of being a man is……, Dad showed it clearly in his humanity, caring, seeing needs and filling them. Being a stand up man, instead of choosing to be bitter about the circumstances that came his way, he gave himself options first in his thinking because if you can’t see options in your mind’s eye, it would be pretty hard to see them become reality in the actual world.
He gave himself options first in his thinking because if you can’t see options in your mind’s eye, it would be pretty hard to see them become reality in the actual world.
Dad would seem to always be in teaching mode when he encountered bias, discrimination, stereotyping or ill will; he was not a weeping willow but a strong man who knew how to use his inner strength to his advantage.
One comment that he would use often as we were teenagers and into adulthood was, “Sometimes, you have to submerge to rise above the present circumstance or reality”.
It has served me well in the face of adversity, open discrimination, political moves that cut to the core personally.
It’s easy to strike back, show anger, act out in negative behaviors and ways that while those emotional outbursts or actions may feel good at the moment, may not get the desired results we were looking for.
Integrity, strength of character and determination, being able to be composed in the toughest of situations, even when our name could be dragged through the mud is hard to do most if not all the time.
But dad would say, “It may not always be easy to hold your tongue, your actions out of frustrating times that seem to demand an emotional, tough, strong response, but if you hold to your values, ideals and integrity long enough, though people may swear at you, sooner or later, they will swear by you”.
But dad would say, “It may not always be easy to hold your tongue, your actions out of frustrating times that seem to demand an emotional, tough, strong response, but if you hold to your values, ideals and integrity long enough, though people may swear at you, sooner or later, they will swear by you”.
I have seen that reality be a truth in my life time and time again.
In the making of a man, one does not come out of his mother’s womb and become what he is supposed to be.
A man needs a mentor, a role model, a father figure somewhere, somehow to help guide his feet along his particular path until he can begin to walk on his own but we never really stop needing timely guidance so that we are persistently becoming “The Man” we are supposed to be.
The journey never ends.
Thanks Dad
Dave, David, Mills
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Next: The Making Of A Man #2, How His Path Affects His View/Relationship with Women
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