I had an interesting comment posed to me after my last post on the Making of a Man. The comment was if I thought that what I had to say was the “complete” answer to many of the issues regarding becoming a man. As I wrote back, I was describing my upbringing and weighing those experiences against the lives of the many young men and men I’ve encountered over time and how experiences have helped me as I am continually a work in progress. So, it’s not a complete answer by any stretch; it’s a look at the prism from which I had and continue viewing the world around me.
So I’ve been thinking a lot about how we as men treat the women in our lives. Where do we learn and internalize so that we are honorable, respectful, honest, fair, kind towards the many women we will meet and encounter in our lives.
It always starts from an example or lack of one.
It always starts from an example or lack of one.
I recognize that it was not only my dad who was my day in and day out example but also men in my neighborhood, church community and teachers growing up who gave me insights, both good and otherwise in conducting my relationships with women.
Dad was a prankster. For a conservative guy, he sure had his share of jokes. And mom got the brunt of them but as I look back, it was one of dad’s ways to let mom know how much that she meant to him that he would think up new ways to drive her “nuts”.
One of his pranks almost burned up the house but I’ll leave that alone; he bought this rubber alligator that he would put on her shoulder whenever she would doze off in the Living room and could not contain himself when she would wake up to “Killer” looking at her and she’d scream.
But it was so much more. Growing up, we learned quickly that the kitchen was not just “a woman’s place”.
We would get our hands in the sink to wash dishes as soon as we could stand on the little stool and reach over and cause some havoc in the suds.
Dad would do the groceries most of the time (or we would all go out together many times until Jr. High) and would tell us that there was no label saying mom had to do what most figured was a woman’s job.
Dad would tell us that there was no label saying mom had to do what most figured was a woman’s job.
We learned to help with the laundry, mostly folding although I have a feeling that mom would go back later to re fold because what was in the drawer later on in no way looked like what we had tried to fold earlier on. In that era, I came to recognize that this wasn’t the case in many families.
Dad would, as he could where possible would try and bring home a treat or a little something to let mom know she was the real deal. Amazing how the little things with the sentiments behind it have tremendous value and worth.
Even when there were struggles as life sometimes presents, mom and dad worked through the tough moments and showed each other mutual respect and care.
I saw how dad talked to other women he would meet or come in contact with. I would visit him at his job often and the way he would greet the female staff was respectful, kind and classy that whenever I would meet some of them on the way to his area, they would remark how wonderful dad was to them.
He had a way of making people feel so appreciated and valued.
At church, it was more of the same and I also saw the example of some other men who I held in high esteem and because communities like a church setting are, for the most part tight knit, there were some incredible men who, by their example of how they treated the women in their life also were important to me in my development. And when I’d be at their houses, well, the guard comes down somewhat and you can see whether they are the same wherever they are.
when I’d be at their houses, well, the guard comes down somewhat and you can see whether they are the same wherever they are.
I recall talks dad would have with me about how my words and the power behind them had the capacity to lift or crush.
When my interest in girls started to peak, he would remind me about what it meant to watch not only what I would say but in the how I would say things… When it came to treating girls’ right, he would say that you wouldn’t want to do anything to a girl that you wouldn’t want to happen to your mom or if you had a sister. Then he would say, your friends that are girls are your sisters. If you didn’t know, now you know so I could never come back and say I was unaware.
We never had 3 hour discussions but the 15 minute object lessons stuck, the observation of watching if the words matched the walk, the other men that I saw who either did the same as they said to do or did they act or behave differently.
One thing he said that stuck was, “Don’t ever tell a woman that you love her unless you are prepared to marry her. The reasoning for him was that because words and the intent behind them matter, to tell a woman that I loved her could have turned her heart and affections completely over to me and if I was not prepared for what the means, better to be silent than to say what was not the reality.
It’s interesting; having had many conversations with my mom, what does she remember and cherish about dad who left us 15 years ago?
Not the rough moments, not the tough issues, she remembers how dad made her feel, the 1st year of marriage when they would take trips on the train to New York and sight-see, the life they were building in Bermuda, the trips with the family, being cared for after knee operations and having more chicken in the freezer than she knew what to do with because dad didn’t want her worrying about too many trips to the supermarket, the teasing and comradely, those are the things she remembers most.
What I remember most is dad was respectful, kind, encouraging, and complementary without being sugary or bordering on playing a game.
He would always open doors for any woman going through a door; there was a moment one day when a woman got indignant (she said something to the effect that she was quite capable of opening her own door) because he opened a door for her. He calmly said that she was due simple respect for him open the door as a courtesy to her and it was a pleasure. She didn’t know how to handle that (kinda turned red faced), but he said to me later on that whether it be convenient or not, to treat women with utmost respect. It stuck with me.
He said to me later on that whether it be convenient or not, to treat women with utmost respect. It stuck with me.
I recall an incident in high school where I got into a heated argument with a female student. What bothered me was how I really lit her up and while some of why I was upset could have been deemed righteous, the type of fire I threw her way bothered me for some time.
Eventually, I apologized not only for the what but the how. Surprisingly, she said that no guy including her dad ever came back to make things right after something like that. Even at 16, I learned a valuable lesson about treating girls, women in a respectful manner and cleaning up a mess I had a part to play in.
Now I know some will say that this is 2018 or women can handle whatever you throw their way but I disagree somewhat.
It becomes easy to take the mistreatment of women from words to actions if left unchecked.
The #metoo movement proved some of that. The media/Hollywood men who would throw tirades at their favorite targets were caught and called out for their hypocrisy, the same men calling out those they didn’t like or agree with politically only to be caught doing the exact same thing.
The music industry who, lifts up stars to superstar status who objectify women and we have young men doing what their idols sing about and we expect different outcomes?
It’s hard to treat a woman right when in our ears, stereo systems, car surround speakers, we have blatant disregard for women blaring at us all day and we expect positive outcomes.. I find it quite dubious that to sell more records, women in the industry will allow themselves to be objectified and no one seems to think that negative aftermaths will be part of the outflow of those behaviors, all to make a buck and to be famous for 15 minutes.
So whether it’s popular or not, I choose to treat my wife, mom, co-workers, and friends with the respect that they deserve and honor them because it is the right thing to do.
Funny story; so a few years ago, I was in a mall downtown and a business woman was coming to the door so I opened it for her. She said, “Don’t you know what year you are living in? I can handle my own door”! Took me a second to figure out that she was way too strung tight but it was another business woman who was right behind who said, “ don’t pay her any mind, there are still many of us who appreciate a gentleman treating us right”! For me, I was just doing what I’ve always done.
Enough said………….
I’ll go with the second option every time…….. And, I’m still learning, still wanting to be better than I was yesterday. I am thankful for the many women in my life, past and present who have helped shaped my worldview.
I am thankful for the many women in my life, past and present who have helped shaped my worldview.
It does really matter what you say, how you act, who you are because it does come out of us eventually….. And, I’m still a work in progress….
Dave
#forwardfriday #honor #respect #kindness #value #worth #blog #fair #treatment #speaker #shapingthoughts #shapingactions
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